For February to be the shortest month of the year, I felt it went by ten times slower than January (which was over before I could finish screaming, “Happy New Year!”). It seemed as those 29 days were stretched by these isolated periods of waiting. Publicly, we all waited for an icon and his child to be memorialized after a shockingly traumatic death. We’ve watched as a virus swells from a regional epidemic to a global outbreak. We’ve looked on as the race to the be competitor for the Presidential seat whittled from over a dozen at the top of the year to now two. While observing all the happenings of and along with the world, I’ve been dead front and center in waiting periods of my own, a few with very recent inceptions while most have spanned over a number of years. From pending gigs and passion project to sought-out confirmations and what often feels like stunted growth, I’m consistently watching and waiting.
I often find myself here; or rather, this is where I have existed most of my life. Circumstantially then almost naturally, I’ve become a woman who gravitates toward commitments of grand, therefore slower, gratification. And mostly slow, not always due to the level of undertaking or expectation but usually because I am an extreme procrastinator. I mean, it took me three years to start this blog. Why the wait?
When I speak of wait, I’m not merely referring to lapsed time. It is more of an awareness in positioning: being so close… almost… not quite. This position, for purposes beyond my own plan, has become my niche. In no way could I disregard any of my accomplishments. Though, my wins (along with my losses) thus far are only bench markers as I work toward desires unfulfilled. Some I will eventually reach; others, never.
This is not about shortcomings or deferred dreams. On the contrary, this is my attempt to share what I’ve learned in spending a lot of time in the “in-between”- a placd that often found me until I naturally began to choose it. Being just beyond a dream realized, a goal or success, especially for an extended amount of time, often induces doubt and discouragement. But it doesn’t have to. From career and creativity to love and lifestyle, I find myself in this space today. In most areas of my life, I’m so close to what I want but I’ve yet to break forth, for one reason or another. And I am just fine with it. In having spent many of my year in this perpetual state of “almost”, I’ve gotten a lot better in balancing contentment with not being complacent. By no means am I a pro at this. I have to recalibrate… often.
We live in a society that is hyper-focused on quickly getting to the “thing”. The finish line. The best. The pinnacle. What, though, lies beyond that? Another race. Another challenge. Another path to the next “thing”. It’s an inevitable pattern. A few years back, I said, “If life’s journey is a week, and my desires are the weekend, I’m only on Thursday.” A rest stop, of sorts, Thursday is a cruising point, a time when you can see all the faith and hard work was not in vain, a position that is close enough to get excited but still requires a bit more time, effort, attention and patience. While many may rush through it, I’ve come to appreciate this time in my life. And the waiting that used to seem completely beyond my control has become more intentional, as I take in all that has unfolded for me to be here.
Many of us where raised to believe “Almost doesn’t count.” As I approach the 36th year of my journey, I can attest to this being further from the truth. I am “almost there” personified, and I do count.
I want to invite you into this season, or rather this “day”, of my life. My hope is as I share the joy I’ve found in embracing this space, you will discover the same in your own thursdaze,
…when being just beyond is the best place for the time being.
…when you’re so close but in no hurry.
…when not quite never felt so good.